Little Earthquakes-It’s getting deep

I hear “Having a baby changes everything.” and boy, is that saying right on. Things have changed in more ways than I could possibly imagine and no one could have prepared me for. Our social life changed (stopped, for a while) but will eventually continue in a different way. I also find I am more aware my character and I am seeing things I don’t like. I guess I’m more in tune to my character flaws now because I have a child soaking in my every action -or better yet reaction- like a sponge. I know no one is perfect but I do see some things I believe I need to change.

In my yoga practice (which is much less often since P came along-yet another change) I have learned many valuable lessons. One of which is learning to be present. During class the teacher will say “be present, we never get another chance to live this moment again.” It’s true, often I worry about the future or what happened in the past that I don’t live the present to it’s full potential-it’s even in the Bible. It is a very hard skill to master, I believe, but also very important. Though I am not a Buddhist (I am a Jesus freak!) I love the Buddhist philosophy of life: Peace, Happiness, Thoughtfulness…. We chant this in our yoga class “Lokah Samasthah Sukhino Bhavantu” -I think there are a lot of interpretations-but our teacher says it translates to: “May all beings everywhere be peaceful and free.” Makes me feel good all over.

So I have made a conscious decision to spruce up my character, make it shine and sparkle (most of the time) be positive and less reactive, live in the moment and have peacefulness and thoughtfulness foremost in my mind and actions. Wow, that’s a mouth full and will be tough but I am determined. My change is two fold: Cherish every moment I have with Pear (even the mundane everyday situations) and (the hardest but most needed change) learn to control my anger. I don’t want my daughter to remember her mother having a short temper. I want to stop, count to 10 and relax. I am sure this gets more challenging as she grows. Right now I am frustrated when she doesn’t nap or won’t eat. I need to practice this now so I will never feel completely horrible and regret my reaction one day.

I read the book “Trees Make the Best Mobiles” simple ways to raise your child in a complex world. What this books says about spanking (which is a re-action) really makes sense to me.
“Striking your child-when you’re angry, scared,
or don’t know how else to handle the situation-
is an open admission that, rather than being
the one in charge, you’re out of control.
When you’ve “lost it”, your child’s
trust in you falters. “
My tendency is to lash out when I am upset or frustrated and usually my dog takes the brunt of my frustration (poor guy), but I am so afraid that I might smack Pear one day and I couldn’t bear it. Therefore the need to change my character.
“Much of childhood behavior is learned.
Make sure that what your child is
absorbing isn’t your ragged, frustrated or furious self,
but your best self.
And when it’s not let her know that you know,
and that you’ll try harder next time.
Your thoughtful expression of emotion, or remorse for
inappropriate behavior, represents everything to your child:
all the humane, considerate feelings that you aspire to for her and for yourself.”

One Response to “Little Earthquakes-It’s getting deep”

  1. Wow, you are so candid in this post. I love it. You are certainly not alone in your feelings, I think we’ve all been there. Raising kids is delightful and inspiring but can also be infuriating at times. You’re so fortunate that you are so aware of your being. Pear is a lucky girl to have such an enlightened and aware mama…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: